breakdowns and promises

I just had yet another breakdown. They happen a lot. I get so stressed out when writing that I don't know what to do. I have so many ideas that I want to write but I'm like playing ring around the rosey with them. I feel that if I neglect one, it'll go up ashes and the on I was currently working on, well I don't know where to start it. And I hate wasting precious time.

If I can't write something, why wait around for inspiration to come. I have other ideas that are great and well, I know myself well enough to know that this cycle of giving up is just going to continue unless I dedicate myself. So I made a contract. My witness was God.

I promised, I solemnly swore that I was going to write a novel and then I put my ideas in a bag, shook it up and picked out the book I was going to write. It's one of the fresher ideas, one that's still hot out of the oven. Oh! I know I'm a horrible writer. I mean, who can be a writer without dedication? I love writing. I live for it but I just lack that drive that some people have. When I read about how people are querying and editing and revising, I am happy for them but I am also envious of them. I want that. I want to be able to have notebook after notebook file after file of words that are actually a novel. I want that. I need to prove to myself that I can do it.

Haven is my novel. I will write it. This time, I'm going to ween myself from the internet. I'm going to cut off all my resources and go back to writing...well typing because I hate using pencil and paper.

One thing I want to try is outlining. I want to do that now because for me, I've learned that just jumping in isn't a good road for me. I need to take a new approach on things.

I don't want to waste anymore time, so goodbye!